The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates (Part 2)

In my last posting, I wrote about the deep-seated shame that is in all gay men, and while very few gay men feel the shame, almost all struggle with the private belief that we are unlovable because of this shame. Shame is not the same thing as homophobia. Homophobia is the fear of being gay, and shame is the fear of being unlovable. You can relatively easily cure the homophobia, but the shame, without vigilant care and attention, will last a lifetime. Gay shame is not embarrassment over being gay; it is the belief that being gay is a mere symptom of your own mortally flawed psyche. You can treat the homophobic symptom, but the underlying disease persists until acknowledged and treated.

From this perspective, I have come to understand why specialized coaching and counselling continues to touch so many younger gay men and adolescents, many of whom never experienced the protracted coming-out process that others of us lived through during a time when there was far less social acceptance of being gay. Even though they may not have experienced embarrassment over being gay, they grew up with the knowledge that they were different from their parents (who are typically straight) and much of the world around them. Knowing they were different in such a significant way led them to internalize the beliefs of shame. The statistics continue to bear out that gay men in their late teens and early twenties are increasingly likely to struggle with addiction, depression, and even suicide – all symptoms of the man who bears the pain of feeling unlovable.

Some have asked, if the world becomes more accepting of being gay, won’t that lessen the relevance of shame in gay men? Ideally, yes it will. However, what is equally true is that as homophobia diminishes in society, it is not a given that gay men will no longer experience the isolation that comes from feeling different than one’s peers and family. It is in this experience of differentness, being the one who doesn’t fit in, that shame takes root in our lives. So it follows that even as homophobia begins to wane in our world, gay men will still need to do the work of acknowledging all the ways in which we have accepted our unlovableness and actively do the work required to obliterate such heinous beliefs from our lives.

In the time since Ellen DeGeneres came out as a lesbian on USA national television and the openly gay sitcom, Will and Grace first aired, much has changed throughout the world regarding the acceptability of being gay. During this same period of time, addiction and mental health issues among gay men have continued at alarmingly high levels, and all indications are that they continue to rise. While social acceptance of gay men, gay rights, and gay marriage is critically important to the well-being of gay men, these things are not sufficient to inspire us to do the deeper work of healing the tight grip of shame on our lives.

Coaching and counselling will help you to examine your life, your shame and provide you with practical information on how to live an authentic life as a gay man without the influence of shame. It is a struggle to live authentically, without the need to compensate for our inadequacies or to escape the pain of our emotions through addictions. For those of you who might be interested in doing further therapy on the issues of shame and emotion regulation, I recommend that you find a therapist who practices in the field of LGBTQ issues.

In the next posting, I will conclude with my theme of examining your life to find authenticity and to clear the shame from your lives. It is time that all gay men find the time and opportunity to talk and examine their past and their shame in a safe place, such as JJL Therapy Centre. Call and make an appointment to see me, so that we can examine your life and find the worth in it.

Loving Blessings

James